Follow your dreams
Everyone around me is turning fifty. It will be my turn next year. It’s not something I’m concerned about, though it is a significant milestone, a time to pause and reflect on where I am, what I have and haven’t done, where I am going. I enjoy ageing. Not the slow dying, but the growing confidence, self knowledge, and the ability to not give a fuck anymore. When I was younger there was no bucket list, only an empty page waiting to be filled with dreams and endless possibilities, a story still waiting to be written. Time wasn’t a luxury back then, it was something I took for granted, wasted. Too much of anything can be a bad thing, and it is perhaps my one regret that I didn’t come to realise how precious time was sooner.
As I approach fifty I’ve entered a different phase in my life. I’m trying to make sure I do all the things I still want to, while I am still able, packing in the life experiences while time and health allow. I’ve managed to achieve a few. I’m playing my horn again, and loving it more than ever. The highlights have to be playing at the Sage in Gateshead, and qualifying for two National Finals. Then there was my old school band reunion, that was something special. Music binds people in a way few things can. Springsteen describes it as ‘a communion of souls’ which captures it perfectly. Writing and publishing my novels is a lifelong dream come true. I wrote a couple of stories I love and from the positive feedback, reviews and messages others have enjoyed them too. This is all I ask. There are a few things still on my list - climbing Kilimanjaro, a skydive, writing my masterpiece. There is time yet, and that is something to be thankful for and make the most of.
Ageing is not something I fear. It is a beautiful process, but with every loss and heartache I worry I might never get to do all I had hoped. I don’t want to pass with any regrets, no ‘if onlys’. I want to leave a mark, just a piece of me that might last beyond the scattering of the stardust. I want to matter.
With each passing year I find myself asking - have I made a difference? Of course, we all do, to friends, family, maybe even in our work. I have my words, music, my boys, and the love of my life. Love. Now there is something to cherish and cling to. So many let it wither, or throw it away. What more do you need? It’s the meaning we are all searching for, whether we realise it or not. I’ve been blessed that from a young age I met my soulmate, the person I wanted to share all my experiences with, someone to have children and grow old with. I found the special person whose eyes I wanted to stare into when I die, the final smile I ever see.
It’s been a difficult couple of weeks. Sometimes events happen which serve to remind you of all that you have, of the precious ones you could lose, how empty your life would be without those you share it with. We dangle by a thread, teetering over the pit of devastation. Life and death, each serving to give the other meaning and value. We often read mantras and memes on social media about us following our dreams. Maybe we see them too often now and they have lost their power and impact. As I’m reflecting this beautiful spring morning, watching the buds of new life breaking through, I’m reminded of the importance of chasing those dreams. Grab them, dear friends. Make them real. Embrace all the experiences life still has to offer. It’s never too late, but only when you realise the value of time and the gift you have been given. Follow your passion and your heart. You deserve it and you can do it. He not busy being born is busy dying.
